I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
