so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize