I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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