Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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