i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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