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i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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