I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
