I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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