Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
