I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
