I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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