i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
