My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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