So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
