I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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