did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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