dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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