You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
