I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I smell stomach acid.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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