Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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