Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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