Umm I'm too high to move.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I will die if light touches me.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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