dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
