You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
