Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize