i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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