I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
