I hate your face
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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