On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
