woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I pour the whiskey from now on
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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