Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
