It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize