How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize