I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
