Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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