I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
