just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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