I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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