This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
