Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
