he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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