I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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