if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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