So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
