Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
