I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize