I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
