My sheets look like a crime scene.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
