I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize