birth control should be required to get into college
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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