I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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