1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
