Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
