Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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