Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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