Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
