I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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