Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
