I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
