I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
