i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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