you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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